I'm still here... A lot has changed over the past few months.
Moved into a new apartment with some friends from school a few weeks ago. Never thought it'd take so long to get my living situation squared away down here, but I finally have a new home and it feels good.
Now combine that with:
unsuccessful job interviews
creative frustrations with my own writing
whatever other stupid existential mental cow pie minefields
aaaand I just didn't feel like e-complaining about it over the past few months
Thing is, the excitement of moving to LA and figuring out my career has totally worn off. Y'know, the whole backbone of this blog...
PROBLEM: I'm 22 years old, so I'm at that point in my life where my actual self and my ideal self are completely disparate and it's been driving me crazy. "But Ben, it can take a lifetime to achieve your ideal self and many people never do!" Shut up, I know, but it's extra shitty now. At this point I feel like I should at least have a vague idea of what my ideal self would be, but I don't. I was kind of wrong about mostly everything in some way or another. My expectations were pretty unrealistic. Going to college in paradise put me out of touch with reality in a big way and only now am I getting over it.
SOLUTION: Accept it and don't give a shit about anything. Yup.
Here's what's up. I'm ashamed to say it, but it took me a longer than I would've liked for me to realize I don't know anything about anything and I have zero skills worth paying me for. Insert liberal arts degree joke here.
I wish somebody would have given me that advice sooner, or maybe they did and I just didn't listen. Gotta accept that I won't be good at anything for years and years and years. Gotta stop getting hung up on the big life questions all at once. A good friend of mine told me yesterday that there's absolutely no point in being too hard on yourself, ever. He's right. I've been beating myself up for no reason and it doesn't help anything. Sure, it's great to have an idea of what I'd like to do further down the line, but right now, in this moment, it's best to start simple and get my head straight. Oh yeah, and just make some money, gawddamnit.
An interesting thing happens when I stop giving a shit about how to beef up my resume, develop my nonexistent career, beat out the other guy... I'm just happier. Really though, I'm just not worrying about it and not making a deal out of it anymore. I can still be driven and discover new things, but ever since I've moved here I've just been waaaaay too hard on myself and it ain't healthy.
It's hard to know that going in. In any big life event, not just moving to Hollywood to try and make it in entertainment. This frustration carries over to everything, but it's especially stressful in this kind of environment where literally everyone is concentrated in the same location competing for the same kind of success. Other people rub off on you down here and falling into the trap of comparing experiences and achievements is just asking for trouble (and when it comes to writers, long nights alone with a bottle.) Nopenopenope!
Bottom line, I've learned to not hold myself accountable for being young and new at everything. I've learned that it's impossible to not get my hopes up about an exciting opportunity and often I will. Doesn't matter, give it up and don't dwell.
Surrender. Accept being a young, insignificant ant. Think big for the future, but simple for the present. It's something to get used to, but some day that whole self actualization thing will come together. Don't care as much, just ride the wave.
Man, enough feels already.